Online Jokes
Why fire engines are red:
Two plus two makes four. Three times four makes twelve. There are
twelve inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth
is also a boat. Boats sail on the ocean. Fish live in the ocean. Fish
have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. The Russians are red. And
that's why fire engines are red, because they're Rushin' all over!
Mummy! Mummy! I don't wanna go to America.
Shut up kid and keep swimming.
Mummy! Mummy! I keep running around in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other
foot to the floor!
God finally decided to take Satan to court, to settle their differences
once and for all.
Upon hearing this, Satan laughed, and said, "Where do you think you're
going to find a lawyer?"
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too."
Two guys, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a
ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work,
work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys that the foreman left every day
at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they decided to start leaving at 3:15.
The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left at
3:15. Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom door, and there
on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly runs back to the job and
digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when Ed arrives at work, Stan says,
"Listen Ed, we can't knock off work any more at 3:15.....
I almost got caught!!!!"
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so
you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't
never going to stand in line again!"
A student pushes a loaded shopping cart up to the express checkout
lane at a Cambridge grocery store. The cashier looks at the cart,
looks at the student, looks at the "EXPRESS -- EIGHT ITEMS OR LESS"
sign, and says to the student, "Are you from Harvard, where they
don't know how to count? Or MIT, where they don't know how to read?"
A young woman has just undressed to step into the shower when the doorbell
rings. She goes to the door and says, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," comes the reply.
So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.
"Hmmm.. nice body, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"
At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad
news to the patients. The doctor tells the intern ``This man in 305
is going to die in six months. Go in and tell him.'' The intern
boldly walk into the room and up to the man and tells him ``You're
gonna die!'' The man has a heart attack and dies on the spot. The
doctor quickly takes the intern aside and cautions him ``You were much
too abrupt in announcing the news to that man. You've got to take it
easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 310 has but a
week to live. Go in and tell him, but gently now!'' The intern goes
softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily opens the drapes to
let the sun in, walks up to the man and tells him ``Good morning!
What a wonderful day, no? Say... Guess who's going to die soon?''
